Every child is unique and special. Every child has strengths and needs. Many children learn and develop in sort of the expected fashion- hitting milestones and seeming to develop easily through the early years. Some little ones develop a little differently. They may not move so easily through it all- they may not hit some of those milestones totally as expected but may be way ahead in others. Some have language skills that are coming along easily but are struggling with motor development- or vice versa. My favorite part of my professional life and my life as a mom is figuring out how to connect with children to help them learn.
Learning Differently
“The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg.” ~Unknown
I love this quote- the notion that one type of teaching (or discipline, parenting, way of eating for that matter) is the best for all children just doesn’t make sense to me. There is a ton of research out there on what works the best for most children, but we still have differences and subtleties between all of us. In a world of potatoes, you may have a good egg.
There are many terms that can come into play here: neurodiversity, developmental delays. There is also a lot of debate on the pros and cons of getting a particular diagnosis or exploring different therapies. However, no matter what your perspective is, your child is still your child and connecting with them is the first most fundamental component to their success. It is through you that your child will begin to develop their sense of the world. Giving what your child needs in the moment is so important. When you have a child who learns differently from other littles, it can be puzzling to say the least. Usually, we don’t expect to have an exact mini-me version of ourselves when we have a child, but we generally feel like we should be able to connect and to help them along. But how to figure that out for a child who is learning differently or taking a little longer to reach certain milestones? Especially for a child who is not following the developmental rule book?
Be Present
First, watch your child. Really watch them as they play. What are they interested in? Does your one-year-old like brighter colors? Movement? Does your two-year-old gravitate towards letters? Or cars? Be really present. Your child is a gift- you don’t want to miss this time. What is your child really doing? Accept where they are- kids are all different and whatever they are able to do at a certain time is cool. It can be tough in this busy world- I always feel rushed. As the age-old adage says, “Silence is Golden.” (Probably the best thing I learned in grad school:)
Just sit with your child as they play and gently offer what seems to make sense to their play. Don’t add too much of your own ideas at first. Your toddler is lining up cars? Offer him one. Does he refuse it? Why? Watch him- is he using all the blue cars first? Is he sorting the trucks out? By taking the time, you may start to appreciate skills and interests that you never noticed before. Once you start to see what they are doing, it’s easier to add on to their language and concepts, e.g., “You put the blue car in the front of the line.” Since your child is already engaged in an activity that they love, they will be more likely to grasp what you are adding to the conversation.
Self-Reflect
Be honest with yourself. Sometimes, especially when I was a new mom, I thought I knew what my baby needed. When Ani was about a year old, I thought it was really fun for her to stay up late once in a while for a special event- “It’s a family picnic, she’s having fun! One late night is fine and she’s bonding with our extended family.” A lot of kiddos are fine with that- they bounce right back. Unfortunately, for Ani, that one late night led to literally 2 weeks of a messed-up sleep schedule with her waking several times during the night. My husband and I quickly learned the value of a very strict schedule for her- as inconvenient as it could be for us. Years later, she was diagnosed with ADHD. We had realized she required the external structure to calm her and allow her to be her best long before we had a diagnosis that provided some of the insight into the why. Through observation and self-reflection, we saw what she needed. It wasn’t her being difficult or stubborn- she was genuinely dysregulated by a change in her routine. By keeping her schedule, she was able to be her best self.
As a speech therapist, I’ve used a lot movement and music with my preschoolers in sessions. Overall, this is a great way to connect with most of the littles I’ve supported. Often, singing a song quietly is a great low-key way to invite a child to join into an activity. However, one child I worked with did not enjoy singing. He did not enjoy music AT ALL. He did not use much spoken language at the time, so he did not say, “I do not enjoy that. Please stop.” Again, I had to take an honest look at myself as I was singing in an attempt to engage him. He fussed and turned away. When I actually stopped and paid attention, I could see that it was not working. After observing him and his responses, I noticed he enjoyed silliness. When a block tower fell down, he laughed. When I read Caps for Sale and placed several hats in a stack on top of my head, then “sneezed,” he laughed. The next few visits, when I began, he requested, “Hat!” We did so many ridiculous hat activities that year. But I had to take the time to really observe to figure it out.
Set Aside Time
Life can get so very busy! Work, appointments, social life, family…. As a parent, I’m not very organized. My kids know I’m kind of flying by the seat of my pants for many things. However, having a loose schedule can help to ensure that I got the important stuff in. And playtime with your child is really important. Set aside time to watch them and follow them along with their play. A few years ago, I completed a great course by Laura Mize, MS CCC-SLP who suggested that parents aim for three 20-minute sessions a day to spend time connecting with your child. (For more information on her program Teach Me to Talk, check out her website here!) If you keep this rule of thumb in your head, it may help to find some short blocks of time during each day. Every family is different, so find what works for you- it may be but I found with kind of set playtimes really helped me prioritize the time. “Playtime” can be kind of nebulous- sitting and watching them, following their lead- but by making it a “thing” to do every day, understanding what they are doing and learning becomes easier. Maybe set aside one to two times a day to start, then adjust as you need.
Support
Finally, reach out for support if you have concerns! Pediatricians can be an excellent resource if you have concerns about your child’s development, but there are many other supports as well. While you may know your child really well, there are many supports that are available and can help you and your child. By really focusing in and observing, you will begin to see exactly how your child learns and be better able to answer your pediatrician’s questions. Check out the GLP Blog’s post: 5 Signs Your Little May Benefit from Speech Therapy for more information.
Always with the Great Little Parenting Blog, please use what is helpful, share what someone else might need. Have fun! Enjoy the time!
