Unexpected Event
“Caleb, sometimes it’s ok to do something a little differently,” I was cradling my 5-year-old in my lap as my other preschooler, Kinsley, ran away from us towards the ocean.
“No, Mama, sports class is at the sports field!! This is the beach!” He was sobbing. And had been for 15 minutes. I set him down to chase down the other one. He crumpled to the ground.
I grab Kins as she tumbled face-first into the shallow water. We filled her bucket and I set her up digging in the sand. I sat with Caleb again who was melting into the earth in despair. His summer camp sports class decided to do a beach day. It seemed like every other kid in the class was thrilled.
For Caleb, it was just too much. Being flexible was his big work back then. I used to say life is just so hard for Caleb. His rigid lists of right and wrong seemed endless. It was exhausting for him and me. He was 5! Wasn’t this something he should have outgrown? He was starting kindergarten in a few weeks!
We sat on the side of the group alone. He was not able to work through his feelings before the end the class. I loaded him, the beach stuff, and his pesky sister onto our bikes and tried to comfort him as we headed back to the house.
“It’s ok- time for lunch and naps,” I repeated the words for him (and myself!) all the way back to the house. My older girls, Ani and Maisie, would arrive back from tennis lessons as we did. I couldn’t wait to shower them all and have them all go to their rooms for some good book and rest time.
Another Surprise
There was a truck in the driveway. Dammit! I had forgotten about the painters. They were in the kitchen repairing the leak in the ceiling. The room was draped in plastic. Caleb started to wail. Kinsley was fussy and sandy. My older girls were starving.
“Ok- we’ll go out to lunch! Then right back for naps!” I was cheery (I hope!) and pulled them all together and back out.
As we’re ordering at the counter, I had Kinsley on a hip. She was fussing. Caleb could not take one more moment of challenge and they didn’t have what he wanted. He flopped to the floor, tears streaming down his filthy, exhausted face. I have no idea where my older ones were running around to. I felt like the world was staring at this mess of a mom who had these four wild kids.
I tried to speak and my voice caught. Tears start rolling- just freaking awesome. Every single thing was out of control- even my face.
The kind woman at the counter gave me a bottle of water.
“I’m so sorry,” I manage to squeak out, “It’s been a really hard day.”
Looking Back
Looking back at that day, I can’t believe how far Caleb has come. He was a sweet sensitive kid back then, but had so much trouble with the unexpected. He loved sports and Legos. He loved to cuddle up and read books. He loved being outside and running and climbing. But if a transition occurred that he was not really ready for, he lost it. He cried for hours every day. I like to say we loved him through this time and out of the rigidity, but we have been so fortunate in his teachers, family and friends.
Still, it felt really lonely a lot of the time.
I’m sharing this story to let other parents know that you’re not alone. This was one of our many long days with Caleb as he learned to navigate a world that seemed determined to throw him curve balls all day every day. It was incredibly challenging and heartbreaking a lot of the time. I think there are a lot of parents with really challenging littles who feel really alone.
I don’t underestimate the value of our support network that we developed over time. It’s a really long road and finding the right supports for your child, your family and you has to be a priority. Crying is okay. Reaching out to your pediatrician, local school system, extended family, support groups will help you take the next steps.
For a little help in those hard very public moments, see How to Survive a Preschooler Meltdown (In Public).
Growth
When he was in 6th grade, I had a conference with his team of middle school teachers. They complimented his ability to transition so smoothly. I cried again. They had no idea the amount of love and work that had been poured into this kid to get him there.
Caleb is much older now and is thriving. We still have challenges but they’re more manageable and, seems like, more similar to what other parents of teens are working through.
