As mortifying as it is, little children have meltdowns. Those big feelings are sometimes just overwhelming. For some kiddos, big feelings are the norm and can be even more overwhelming. My son, Caleb, was a little with big emotions. (See the GLP Blog post here) Actually, each of my kids had their share of public displays of out-of-control emotions. The following tips are somewhat from reading and my education as a teacher, but mostly from living the experience of raising strong-willed kids. (Which I mean as a compliment- we just had to help them channel that will a little more productively:)
Stay Calm
Hilarious, I know! Your kid is losing his ever-loving mind on the dirty floor of Walmart and the child development “expert” says “Stay Calm.” Nice. Let me expand on that a bit.
When a little kid is really overwhelmed, they are extremely sensitive to your emotions. They are really needy at this point, and any yelling at this point will only act a fuel to that fire. By moving slowly and speaking quietly, your body language will communicate that you are in control, and they are safe. It may not seem like this is what that screaming child is receiving, but you are starting the work toward the goal of a calmer child.
Limit the Talking
When a child is really upset, they are literally getting less blood to the parts of the brain that process language. They are often incapable of processing what you are saying, even directions they usually easily understand. Choose the most important thing you want them to know, e.g., “It’s time to go.” Let as much other stuff go as you can. For example, is it really important to put the coat on for the quick trip to the car? Try to just repeat the simple direction and gently guide them physically. Your expectations should be really clear. Sometimes, as adults, our brains are racing and we can’t say enough to “help,” but this, again, can lead to an even more overwhelmed kiddo.
Don’t Buy the Toy
As tempting as it is to get the toy so you can get out of the store, long term this will create more challenges. Dealing with disappointment is a life skill that can be taught, and should begin to be taught, in the home. Sometimes the answer is no and that is okay.
That being said, if you bought the toy or the candy once, your little will be fine. We all have days. We’re aiming for good humans, not robots.
Don’t Use a Screen
This is another challenging one. While distracting with a tablet may help in the short term and you didn’t get the item that was demanded, your child is not really learning to process the disappointment. And in many situations, e.g., preschool, using a tablet to calm down is not an option. Learning to truly deal with disappointment and to calm oneself is an invaluable tool necessary for success in life.
Again, if you gave your little your phone today to get out of the grocery store without getting the M&Ms at checkout, they will be fine. Know that it’s a tough thing and you want to build a resilient child, which means dealing with some uncomfortable exits.
Leave the Stuff
Sometimes, it’s cool to leave the stuff in the cart in the middle of the store. I’ve done it more than once. Again, strong willed kids! A great counselor we saw at different points for all four of my kiddos, told me, “The people who work there will take care it.” She was absolutely right. The next time I went to Target, I never found my half-filled cart in the aisle. When the big emotions are more powerful than the need to finish the shopping trip, it’s definitely ok to make a quick exit.
Ignore the Karens
I’ve found that, sometimes, people truly want to help and may offer to help you pick up the display your toddler has just dumped on the floor (See Leave the Stuff). These people are kind angels sent to help us at our most difficult times as a parent.
Sometimes, they are not. It’s really hard when you feel someone may be at the point of calling security when your child is really inconsolable. Focus on giving your child or children what is needed in the moment. Tune out as much as you can. Again, a quick exit may be the best option.
Process the Event Later
While in the moment, your little may not be available for processing the reasoning behind not getting Oreos for breakfast. However, it’s a good idea to talk about it later. Using simple language, explain that the behavior was not the best way to go about things. Provide the words your child may have needed at the time, “You were feeling really angry.” It may be there was more going on than you understood at the time. Your child may have been feeling sick or scared. Explain your reasons for leaving and any consequences you felt were appropriate. Keep it short and sweet. Know that it may happen a few more times, especially with a determined little. You’re helping them to build their understanding, language and resilience over time.
Forgive Your Little & Yourself
As a wonderful colleague used to say, “They have only been on this earth for a short time.” Make sure, while the behavior was really tough to deal with, especially in public, that you remind them of your love and that they are safe with you. Your little will grow to be a big someday. They will make lots of mistakes and it’s our job to love them and guide them through it all.
Forgive yourself. Maybe you gave in this time when you feel you shouldn’t have. Maybe you raised your voice a bit. Maybe you cried a bit (See A Really Hard Day GLP Blog Post). It’s really tough. You got through it, you learned and you’ll keep trying.
I’m also a big believer in getting support when you need it. If these displays of big emotions are just getting to be too much, please reach out to your child’s pediatrician or doctor. There are a lot of resources out there that can support you; from schools to mental health professionals. My own family, as I’ve mentioned before, has benefitted greatly from supports from many amazing professionals.
